When frustration boils over

MY anxiety seemed to manifest itself in fits of rage. I remember telling a work colleague about the trail of devastation I had left behind me at home once and they didn't believe me. Because at work I was all placid and at ease. But when I went home, as the conversations slowly turned to my kids or money or anything that I couldn't control, the frustration would eventually boil over.

NOW it always takes two to tango. I'm not saying its okay to blame the other person(s) but as I have said previously, sometimes the other person doesn't fully understand where someone with DnA is at or coming from so they actually make the situation worse. Thats the nature of the beast that is DnA, it can be the little things that set us off without the other person knowing what they have done.

SO my frustrations would come about in a very primitive way. I just wanted to break anything I could get my hands on. Often it would be a fist through a wall or door or a broken glass thrown on the tiles. It would start with this feeling in my stomach that slowly swelled to the point I couldn't take it anymore and bam, I would lash out.

THIS may sound funny but I love my wife and family so I would never want to hit or strike another person. I have always been a peaceful person and am tolerant of others, so I know I will not hit someone. But when the volcano erupted I had to do something and it was easy to release my frustrations by breaking things.

IT was also a way of showing my power (hence the primitive way). Much like a Silver Back or any other primate would beat their chest or ground to say whose boss.  It would usually bring an abrupt end to whatever quarrel had brought on my anxiety.  So I was happy for a second or two as the feeling of being frustrated would dissolve but then came the realisation that I had just lost control of my actions and let the green monster come out to play. Then depression would set in.

THE problem with my actions is that; breaking something is irreversible and, they more often than not would affect other people and not just me. I never really thought of the other people at the time, I was only doing whatever for myself.  I have regrets about what I have done over time but I can't change or take anything back so I have to live with it. But by accepting responsibility for my actions and acknowledging I have a mental illness, I am able to deal with everything.

SEEING my doctor was the best thing I did in helping myself. And it has to be something you do yourself. All to often we only see a doctor when we are sick, we should be seeing them at least twice a year (when we are healthy and well) just for a check up.  And get a doctor who you will continue to see to build up a bit of history with, doctors play an important part in our wellbeing.

AS 2012 draws to a close, make your New Years resolution one that involves your wellbeing and mental health. Do something that will improve your quality of life that is about you and not external factors (job, money, house etc).  I did something

I'm on the drug that killed River Pheonix

THE title of this post is very much tongue in cheek.  I seriously thought I was going to be on some drug that was going to take control of my life or at the least take control of my life away from me.  I didn't want anything screwing with my brain waves to the point I wasn't in control of my own life anymore. Well I am pleased to say it couldn't be further from the truth.

SO, initially I had tried to 'control' my anxiety with plenty of vitamin D (aka the Sun). This turned into playing football which allowed me to vent much of the frustrations I had which is how my anxiety manifested itself. The only problem was, I couldn't control or self treat myself anymore than a diabetic can treat themselves.  I needed help but there were two things stopping me.

ONE: I would too easily hit the self destruction button and spiral out of control into the depths of despair.  The place I felt most comfortable, total darkness where it was just me and my doubts; and of course

TWO: taking medication was for crazy people. I wasn't crazy, I was comfortably numb.

GOING back to a previous post, DnA isn't something I fully understood so I gave it that negative stigma. I had been diagnosed and spoken to my Doctor back in '05 about it but I didn't understand how the brain functioned or how medication could help.  I don't know to many people who could say their career saved their life (I know many who would love to get out of their chosen careers!!), but I can say it. Since working in the health and safety industry I have learnt a lot about wellbeing. And its this that has helped me accept medication and change my life.  Of course it took five years to realise it but hey, patience is a virtue... love me honey :-)

I will never forget the day the Doctor said she wanted me to try a course of medication in conjunction with counselling (tip for anyone with DnA, you need both to some degree).  Oh and I should point out, my family Doc from '05 passed away so I have only been seeing my current Doc for the past couple of years (like three or four times).  So I goes in to see my Doc as part of my new regime, see the Doctor every six months for a check up (just like a car) whether I was sick or not.  It was a chance to check my vitals and have a chat about my wellbeing.  It was during this chat that the alarm bells started sounding and before we could move onto the important things like a skin tag, she had me considering medication, a mental health plan (mandatory in Australia for medicare benefits. Can explain more if need be, just ask), and counselling.  I was to return in a weeks time with my decision on what I wanted to do after doing my own research on mental health issues.

AFTER the appointment (it was a Monday morning), I climbed into the car, called my wife and broke down because I had to do the inevitable and take medication - DRUGS!  I think my wife cheered my up by telling me it was about bloody time.  Two weeks later I was back in to get my prescription for AROPAX, 20mg per day for a minimum of six months with a view to 12 months and longer if required.

GlaxoSmithKline Aropax information

WITH medication comes side effects; nausea, weight gain, dry mouth, and the list goes on.  Great, exactly why I didn't want to go on medication in the first place. I was about to screw up my mind even more than it already was!  I purchased the meds that afternoon and the Doc advised me to wait until the Friday to start due to the side effects, you know just in case. Gee, what not to say to someone who is anxious!

TUESDAY saw me farting like a trooper and by midday, I had diarrhea. My stomach just kept churning away all day. To the point where I had to leave work as it was too embarrassing.  I figured that if I was making myself that sick just by thinking about taking the damn drug, how much worse could the actual drug side effects be.  So I decided to start the next morning.

BEST thing I ever did.

SINCE being on the medication (which has remained the same 20mg per day), I have felt alive, and I mean really alive. I can enjoy things again. I have motivation to do things again.  It has provided me with clarity in what I think, feel and do.  Situations arise and I feel a bit stressed or frustrated  but nothing to what I used to. I am normal again, or at least I feel it.

BUT most of all, I haven't had a blow up in three months now, since I first took my little white tablet on 15 August 2012.  That means I haven't put my fist through a wall or door. I haven't broken a glass or TV or anything I could get my hands on.  I have been able to have robust discussions with my wife that haven't ended with me driving to Adelaide without a word of where I was going or what I was doing.  I am starting to be a real husband and father again and it feels good.

MY psychologist puts it best (and I have said this before), diabetics take insulin, pregnant women take folate, older wiser people take calcium cause Mark Holden says to. And I need something to help balance out my serotonin deficiency.  Aropax just happens to be the name of my supplement.

IF you are thinking of medication or it has been recommended to you, give it a go.  My mate went through a few types of medication (dosage and composition), before he got onto the right one but once he was on it, it changed his life for the better too.  All I am saying is that it might feel like you are about to take something that will take over your life but it will only help you take control of your life.

Neil

PS. I have kept a diary of how I felt every day for the first two months as it usually takes about eight weeks to start to do its job. And sure enough I started to plateau from bouncing off the walls but I'm still feeling better than I did before starting my course of supplements.

Let the journey begin

SO now to me personally. As I said in my first post, I want to share my experiences to help others be able to talk about theirs and seek out professional help.  It's important to know that DnA IS something you can recover from, but there is no overnight fix and you need to learn a lot about yourself. Most of all, you need to be able to open yourself up (maybe not for all the world to see like me) and be accepting of some home truths and take responsibility for your own life.  That last one is a good tip for anyone, the most important person in the world is ME. Say it with me, "I am the most important person, without a healthy me there is no we".  If you can't look after yourself, you can't look after others (eventually you will crack).

THE NITTY GRITTY

I don't want to delve too much into my personal history but there are some fundamentals of my life that need to be known so you can understand where I am coming from.  I'm not saying every life event I have encountered has led to my DnA but I just want to show that, like others, my life has been far from perfect and this hasn't come out of the blue for me.  Its easy to look back and say, 'oh there was a warning sign' but at the time when everything is fine, it can be hard to say 'I have a problem and could do with some help'.

BORN into a wonderful supportive life in a great establishment, a church, I grew up very happy. From a young age I had plenty of friends who I grew up with over a number of years.  This, I believe, provided me with a great upbringing and I wouldn't want it any different.

I have one older sibling who lives what I call a very envious life. They are a single parent of three people would say struggles but to me they a pillar of strength and a guiding light, kind of funny given the mistakes they too have made over time. For someone with so little (material possessions that most consider the true indicator of success) they are certainly a lot happier than most.  They were the one who got me to make more of a commitment with my kids (something for a later post).

MY Mum and Dad separated when I was around 10-11 I think (its something I don't recall or ask about for that matter. I can remember the day Dad moved out but not much else).  Mum raised me and I saw Dad on odd occasions. It's safe to say we didn't exactly have the best father/son relationship growing up which probably accounts for my actions of a few years ago (we have only just started talking this year after a three year hiatus). He lives overseas and again, that will be another post.

MUM on the other hand has been fantastic, maybe too fantastic, not that I blame her for any of my DnA.  I guess sometimes being a mum can have its inherent downfalls.

MARRIED at 18, two wonderful kids by 20 and divorced by 29. That was my fault, I wasn't a good husband and it cost me my marriage.  To top things off, just before I moved out permanently, our third child was born.

THE kids all moved with their mother to another state which isn't easily accessible (ie an easy drive) in 2005 and I remarried in 2008.

I'VE been on a downwards spiral since my first marriage break up which almost cost me my current marriage which isn't something I want to lose. So this July I saw my Doctor and from there I have been receiving help to make me better.  There is still a long way to go but I'm getting there, one day at a time.

SO I'm going to air some laundry now and tell you how the events in my life have made me feel. I'm not saying they have made me DnA, but maybe you can relate to something similar and it gets you thinking, how has or is that event affecting you?

I want to share this clip that was produced by the West Australian Government.  It's only three minutes long and the last 40 seconds are what the actual message is about.  BUT what a way to get the message across, I think we should all take a leaf out of this video.

Neil




  

Why do we chastise what we don't understand?

SO did anyone pick up the example of the stigma we give possible mental illnesses in my last post?

I made a comment about the 'freak' who sniffs the chairs in parliament (West Australian State Government).  Did anyone else think he was a freak because of that too? he is not a freak, he just does something we don't all accept as normal behaviour or understand why he does the things he does.  It was an example of how we paint someone because of a certain behaviour in a negative light, you know give it the stigma, because we don't understand and it scares us.

ITS the same with DnA.  I was scared to speak up and say I had a problem because of what it might do with to my friends and family.  Would people start treating me different? Would I lose friends as a result of it?

SINCE taking responsibility for myself and my own actions, I have had to explain things to my wife which I always kept to myself.  How could she help me when I wouldn't tell her things about how I was feeling or what I was going through.  Of course she wasn't going to understand me.  And just as  I thought, she didn't understand my DnA or what I am going through. But now that it is out in the open, I have been given the opportunity to explain a lot of things with her just listening to me and taking it all in. I repeat things some times  as this is all new to her so she has plenty of questions but I am glad she is asking them.

SO what are you doing to help someone who is suffering from DnA or any mental illness?

WHAT are you doing yourself about your mental illness?

IT takes a lot of courage to take the step to get help and the bigger one to tell people about your condition.  But if there is one thing I have learnt over the past few weeks, taking those steps are the best things I could have ever done. Not only have I found friends who have been in the same place as me but now I don't have to feel like I am living a double life.  I am what I am and people are accepting of that, they may not understand it but the accept me for who I am.

JUST like the MP in WA, those close to him accept him even though they may not understand his actions.  It can be the same for you.

Neil

What exactly is mental 'illness'?

WELL I can't quite answer that one but I can tell you what it means to me.  Remember this is just my own personal experience battling DnA.

FOR me, mental illness is something that everyone experiences at some stage every day.  I mean, think about it, the illness is just the part where something isn't quite right.  So when we get upset because someone criticises the report we just wrote or anxious about delivering that speech in front of our classmates, to me that is all a little bit of mental illness which is natural.  The difference between John or Jane and me is that their resilience is a little bit better so they bounce back better and faster than I do. Obviously there are more mental health issues other than DnA but as it is the most common condition and one I suffer from it is what I will be relating to.

SO why do I say 'illness' with quotation marks when talking about Mental Illness?

BECAUSE although its an illness (when talking about clinical diagnosis), its something I believe we all experience as outlined above.  But when it does become clinical and we add the term mental illness as opposed to really really upset or just very nervous, we automatically attach a negative stigma to it.  Its something that has been happening for centuries and will continue to happen for some time yet until people can start to understand what happens when someone is suffering a mental ill, health condition.

CERTAINLY as far back as 100 years ago we were sending people with mental health conditions to lovely big mansions in the country side where they could receive all the treatment they needed. No questions asked and often against the patients best wishes.  But hey, they were doing the best for the person weren't they?  Or what about the last 50 years, back in the 60's, 70's and even 80's when most people were well and truly alive and growing up.  A group called the American Psychiatric Association developed this little book called the DSM (now up to its fourth incarnation DSMIV) to help treat mental disorders.  Well this book, right up through to the 80's, actually listed homosexuality as a mental disorder with treatment options!  So what is an 'illness' to some isn't actually an illness to others. Its just a term now.  Were the mansions and DSMs for the persons benefit or society? How far have we really come?

WHEN we think mental illness, mental health issues etc, we often think the negatives of Mental Disorder or Mentally Deranged. You know like we are all some sort of a freak who sniffs the seats of women's chairs in parliament. I'd like to think I am a regular person who just happens to have a little chemical imbalance that needs assistance. My psychologist explained it well to me on Wednesday when they said its like any time we get an insufficient amount of a vitamins or minerals in our diets, we go to the store and buy a supplement. Well its the same with taking medication for our mental deficiency.  But because history locked up the mentally ill when they didn't understand or know how to help the person, society is still somewhat the the same now.  

AS I said on my first post, this blog is a way for me to express my experiences, what I feel or felt and how I behaved to help anyone who might know someone with DnA but isn't ready to approach them about it yet, or might be a sufferer themselves but aren't sure how to raise it.

SOCIETY have opened their arms to the gay and lesbian community (I know there will always be an element of society that are both for and against any 'movement' but...). So all I am saying is I believe its time that mental illness, especially DnA is given the same opportunity to 'come out of the closet' and be accepted as a normal part of life.  All we need is support, help and a bit of an understanding for things to be okay.

IF you think you aren't coping with something or lacking in the brain chemicals department, please go and talk to your doctor.  While society has some way to go, the professional fraternity certainly have come a long way and they can really help.  Don't believe me? keep checking my blog as I show you how I have changed for the better thanks to my doctor, psychologist and medication.

Until next time, Neil