MY anxiety seemed to manifest itself in fits of rage. I remember telling a work colleague about the trail of devastation I had left behind me at home once and they didn't believe me. Because at work I was all placid and at ease. But when I went home, as the conversations slowly turned to my kids or money or anything that I couldn't control, the frustration would eventually boil over.
NOW it always takes two to tango. I'm not saying its okay to blame the other person(s) but as I have said previously, sometimes the other person doesn't fully understand where someone with DnA is at or coming from so they actually make the situation worse. Thats the nature of the beast that is DnA, it can be the little things that set us off without the other person knowing what they have done.
SO my frustrations would come about in a very primitive way. I just wanted to break anything I could get my hands on. Often it would be a fist through a wall or door or a broken glass thrown on the tiles. It would start with this feeling in my stomach that slowly swelled to the point I couldn't take it anymore and bam, I would lash out.
THIS may sound funny but I love my wife and family so I would never want to hit or strike another person. I have always been a peaceful person and am tolerant of others, so I know I will not hit someone. But when the volcano erupted I had to do something and it was easy to release my frustrations by breaking things.
IT was also a way of showing my power (hence the primitive way). Much like a Silver Back or any other primate would beat their chest or ground to say whose boss. It would usually bring an abrupt end to whatever quarrel had brought on my anxiety. So I was happy for a second or two as the feeling of being frustrated would dissolve but then came the realisation that I had just lost control of my actions and let the green monster come out to play. Then depression would set in.
THE problem with my actions is that; breaking something is irreversible and, they more often than not would affect other people and not just me. I never really thought of the other people at the time, I was only doing whatever for myself. I have regrets about what I have done over time but I can't change or take anything back so I have to live with it. But by accepting responsibility for my actions and acknowledging I have a mental illness, I am able to deal with everything.
SEEING my doctor was the best thing I did in helping myself. And it has to be something you do yourself. All to often we only see a doctor when we are sick, we should be seeing them at least twice a year (when we are healthy and well) just for a check up. And get a doctor who you will continue to see to build up a bit of history with, doctors play an important part in our wellbeing.
AS 2012 draws to a close, make your New Years resolution one that involves your wellbeing and mental health. Do something that will improve your quality of life that is about you and not external factors (job, money, house etc). I did something
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