Background check - Pt 3

As you can see, so far the kids and the wife (new family) kind of go hand in hand. Well to top it all off money plays an important part in all of this.

THE MONEY

NOW its not the love of money or anything like that. We make good money and get by quite well.  Its more the value?? hmm not sure how to explain it really.

AS I said, child support takes away 1/3 of my salary with income tax taking away another 1/3. That leaves me with the other 1/3 to pay the mortgage, utlities and other living expenses. Oh and then there is the cost of actually getting my girls over here during the holidays (remembering my son doesn't travel... at the moment). That's right, I got to fork out a couple of hundred dollars to fly the girls over. Thats on top of the child support.

DON'T get me wrong, I don't mind paying the child support, its not a factor for me. The more I earn the more I pay, I factor that into my salary already so its a no brainer. It's just an unfair system based on parents that can't be bothered to live up to their responsibilities and be the mum or dad. Here I am trying desperately to be a father for my kids but the child support makes it hard.

WE need a bigger house to cope with three kids while they are here. Our food bill goes up during their visits, we would like a small family vacation while we are all together etc. Now I know that there are families out there struggling to make ends meet and that its just the cost of living. But bear in mind a third of my gross (not net) salary goes to their mother for the kids but I have no control over how it is spent. In one month, I pay the equivalent in all their trips over in child support. DING - feeling of worthlessness as I can't even provide for my family.

AND because I do pay child support, it becomes hard for me to just buy things for the kids. Any money I spend I feel I have to justify with my wife as it is coming from what little I do have left over. Its okay for her to shop like a millionaire as she has the money but I can't do the same. I know comments are often made in jest but they cut deep so its a hard one to cope with.

THEN there are the little things like doing up the garden, or buying something to liven up the place. Ordinarily it wouldn't be a problem, we would have budgeted for it or saved etc. But when you know your money is going elsewhere and there is nothing you can do about it, that really kicks.

AS I said, I have a great mother who is more than willing to come to the party and help out. She has flown me over to see the kids a couple of times and paid for the entire trip. It means she gets to see them too and she knows she is helping me out. But then I get the guilts as I am made to feel that I'm taking away her retirement money which she needs to live off.

BETWEEN the kids, my wife and the money I often get to the point of just wanting it to all end so I don't have to deal with it. I'm not talking death, but for the kids not to come over, or just not to go there. It saves money, it saves the anxiety and stress that is placed on all of us and its just easier to not have to deal with it.

SO, I don't have a love of money as I am happy with what I have, I could just use some extra in the pocket to help pay for the little things that make it worthwhile.

HOPEFULLY this three part post will put into perspective my feelings and how the little green monster can easily rear his ugly head.

Background check - Pt 2

NOW for the spanner in the works. My blended family with my wife's son.

MY WIFE (NEW FAMILY)

THEY say marriage ruins a perfect relationship. And its times when at my lowest or on the way that I can really sympathise with that statement. Blended families are hard work as they are, they just get harder when there is tension between the separated parents. And there is plenty with my wife and her ex - DING anxiety kicks in about now.

ITS hard to plan anything such as trips away or even normal celebratory events such as birthdays as there is always the need to consult with the other side. Now I don't want to get involved in their affairs and likewise I don't expect my wife to get involved with mine, but it does make it hard to do anything when it could change at the last minute depending on the mood of the parents.

FOR years I certainly put my wife through hell, I didn't realise at the time what was wrong with me or why I would go off the way I did. But now I know I try to do my best. I'm learning things all over again; how to apologise for something (like leaving the mop outside when I know she doesn't like that), how the little things make her happy etc.

BUT now I have the professional help to make me better.  My little supplement I get from the chemist and a debrief with the psych. Things should be getting better but they're not. I am always required to change or make the difference but my wife hasn't seemed to do the same. Even my mum knows the warning signs or what the triggers are that can set me off and makes the effort but for some reason I don't feel my wife has made the same effort.  I've given her books to read about living with someone who has DnA but they haven't been read. I know this makes her out to be a horrible person, who wouldn't support their husband, but she isn't all bad.  I just wish she would be a little bit more understanding.

IN the beginning when I first started the medication, I had some good talks to her about what I was going through but I'm not the best conversationalist. I write things better than I say them, hence this blog. Its a way I can get things out with two outcomes; 1. I can read what I am saying and reflect on it and 2. others can see what I go through and make adjustments in their own lives to live a better and healthier life.

SLIGHTLY of the topic, I had a 'family reunion' with my dads side of the family over Christmas. It was an eye opener. I thought my family was messed up, man I pale into comparison compared to the rest of the family and its history. So every family has their little secrets or problems they don't want others to know about.

I had envisaged a life of marital bliss free from stress. We would be happy all together as a family, me and the kids with my new wife and her son...

OF course, the son I never wanted. Sounds harsher than it is but I didn't need him as my son, he has a dad whom gets to see him every second weekend. So why would I need to become his dad? I didn't and still don't. The kid is okay, sure he has a few loose screws but what kids don't these days (what is with their attitude!?!), and we don't exactly have a lot in common but that's not to say I hate him. I just don't need to have him as 'my son' as I have my own. That makes sense right.

I'VE lived with him long enough to know what he is like. My psychologist is slowly convincing me that he is more important than I want to let on.  I think I am slowly coming around, but every now and again I need to put the brakes on.  His dad isn't exactly candidate for father of the year (but then again who am I to talk), so I don't want to come in all guns blazing trying to rescue the kid and give him the father he deserves. I just go about trying to be a shining light in his life that hopefully he may model himself on one day.

BUT that's where it gets tricky. His mother would love for me to be the perfect father for him. I guess in the same way my kids mother wants her new husband to be the perfect dad for my kids seeing I can't do it.  What is it with divorced mums??

IT really puts a strain on things between all of us and can adversely effect the family dynamic. Both of us (wife and I) wanting, expecting, hoping for different things or outcomes. I try to be myself with her son which is the joker, but I would get reprimanded for inappropriate behaviour or making fun of him.  But then when he got too much for her I would have to step in and settle a situation down.  It really made it hard to find my place in the family unit.  Mind you, I didn't exactly see the three of us as a family unit as I didn't want to accept him as my family. At the time I was going through my own living hell so why would I want someone who was no reflection of my or my beliefs representing me as part of my family. Things are slowly changing, but if he wears that stupid wide beaked cap he is definitely off the list!!

ON top of the feeling I have to deal with that my own three kids give me, I have to also juggle the ones my new family give me.  A wife who wants perfection in the family that isn't going to get it, the fact that I am expected to just connect to her son and live happily ever after, live under the shadow of the ex-husband and his strange hold on my life, and try to raise a kid who isn't mine so my ways of life aren't necessarily welcome.

ALL in all, it makes for an interesting ride.

AND then there is the money... thats part 3.

Background check - Pt 1

A quick background check is in order I think as I have been rambling about DnA without actually talking about why it happens to me or how I feel (although my last post deals a bit with that).

IN reality, there are three reasons that lead me to DnA. My kids, my wife (new family) and money.  More often than not they go hand in hand but one can bring me undone without the other easily enough.

MY KIDS

AS the old saying goes , we lay in the bed we make and as such my kids were collateral damage of my failings. And while I certainly assisted in the breakdown of my marriage to their mum, I have no regrets in my life. But gee do I wish I could change the way things have turned out now.

MY three children live over 1,000 kms away so its not exactly an easy weekender. I have two amazing girls who are growing into young ladies at a rapid rate but whom I am both very proud of. And I have a young son who is mine but isn't... and that's a bit of a problem for me.

I spent the first couple of years of the girls life at home looking after them so I have a really good relationship with them. I only get to see them in person for a week or so during school holidays, otherwise its a quick message via Skype or the rare weekend flyover. I try to talk to them every week at the same time but that doesn't always work and if anything it costs money which is part of the problem.

MY eldest has always been 'the golden child' and is a lot like her mum (hmm might have to change that! :-) I've never had a problem with her and she has always been very obedient and mature. If I said not to do something when she was young, it was not done. I could talk to her and she would listen and talk back. It's still the same today, I really like my parenting pearls of wisdom talks we have now but its something I don't get the chance to do enough. DING - anxiety creeps in.

NOW, if only I could say the same about her sister. From day one something inside me snapped and we butted heads on every occasion. I don't know what it was about her but something made my blood boil. She was not obedient to the point where she was teaching her sister how to climb up on the coffee table! Arrg what the!! If we put out a dress and singlet, she would come out wearing the dress, with leggings and a different top altogether as the singlet didn't match.  I was not a nice father to her at all. I had praise and admiration for my eldest but I couldn't even love this child who couldn't possibly be mine, she didn't even look like any of the family.  Man was I was a horrible dad. DING - depression sets in.

FUNNY thing is, it wasn't until I separated from my ex-wife that things started to fall into place. The girls were almost double digits so things had settled down between me and the young one.  I started learning about myself, psychology and why we are the way we are. It was then I realised that I could not control her, rather she was like a river and I could only be a rock that would guide her on her way. If I became a dam wall it would break rather quickly or we would just be back to butting heads.  For years people had said she was a lot like me, I couldn't believe it, I was offended.  No way could I be like that!  Don't get me wrong, if we went places, people would often comment on how beautiful and well behaved the girls were, and they were and still are. Just don't ask my Aunty about her outing to Questacon.

AND then it really went bad. Around the time of my marriages demise, my only son came along.  I was welcome to stay long enough to see him born but then I was out.  What a ball breaker for any man. Finally I get that son you always want and I couldn't have him. As I said, I assisted in that so I have to take responsibility for it which I have to the point of apologising to the girls (the boy is too young), for giving them the family they now have to live with. But I tried to be a dad all the same. I looked after him during lunch hours while his mother attended Uni, I was still a part of his life until they all moved to another state.

SO here was I, trying to imprint myself on my son and finally starting to discover the second best thing that ever happened to me (daughter number 2), when 'poof' they were gone. Why let them go? Cause at the time I thought it was what would be best for everyone, better support for mum there would mean better life for the kids.

THE ex remarries and now my son has a new father. So I become 'Canberra Dad' with this other guy being 'dad'. What the..? I don't think so Tim.  Apparently it was all my sons choice and only he does it is the story I get from mum which is strange when everyone calls the new guy his dad too. So now I am dealing with being Canberra Dad and playing second fiddle to normal dad.  I don't have a problem with him being raised in a house with another guy (he is actually a really nice guy and am pleased he is in the kids lives), but hell if you want a kid, get one of your own (which they now have so won't that be interesting in a few years time). DING DING DING - emotional overload.

WELL we try a couple of visits to Canberra Dads place, both trips end up in hospital with the little tacka on an IV drip because he is so backed up he is making himself sick.  Now I'm Canberra Dad who lives in a place he can't visit because each time he goes there he end up in hospital!! DING - will it ever get better, can it get better???

THANKFULLY I have a great mum of my own and with her persistence, and some timely advice from my sister (who would have thought), I have managed to forge a great relationship with my son. I'm now just Dad (so is the other guy but at least I'm just Dad), and he knows who I am, who my family is and what we do.  He talks about coming over eventually and I am in no hurry as I want it to be when he is ready, but thank god for Skype!

SO a big part of my issues are to do with my kids. Not them per-say but the world in which they live. I have to deal with not having control over anything they do while they aren't here.  I pay damn good money (1/3 of my gross salary) for child support, yet I have no say in how it is spent as it goes straight to their mother.  I don't get to help them with their school work and assignments (although lately I have had the chance with the girls being in High School). I can't watch my boys football games each Saturday or go and see a school play or awards ceremony.  And then when they are here I have to divi their time up between me, their Grandma and my sister (who they only see here too). I play part time parent for a brief moment in time and then have to try to return to normal when they leave.

MY life is constantly in a washing cycle, a roller coaster that is up and down, up and down but never stops.

Part 2... my wife.