NOW for the spanner in the works. My blended family with my wife's son.
MY WIFE (NEW FAMILY)
THEY say marriage ruins a perfect relationship. And its times when at my lowest or on the way that I can really sympathise with that statement. Blended families are hard work as they are, they just get harder when there is tension between the separated parents. And there is plenty with my wife and her ex - DING anxiety kicks in about now.
ITS hard to plan anything such as trips away or even normal celebratory events such as birthdays as there is always the need to consult with the other side. Now I don't want to get involved in their affairs and likewise I don't expect my wife to get involved with mine, but it does make it hard to do anything when it could change at the last minute depending on the mood of the parents.
FOR years I certainly put my wife through hell, I didn't realise at the time what was wrong with me or why I would go off the way I did. But now I know I try to do my best. I'm learning things all over again; how to apologise for something (like leaving the mop outside when I know she doesn't like that), how the little things make her happy etc.
BUT now I have the professional help to make me better. My little supplement I get from the chemist and a debrief with the psych. Things should be getting better but they're not. I am always required to change or make the difference but my wife hasn't seemed to do the same. Even my mum knows the warning signs or what the triggers are that can set me off and makes the effort but for some reason I don't feel my wife has made the same effort. I've given her books to read about living with someone who has DnA but they haven't been read. I know this makes her out to be a horrible person, who wouldn't support their husband, but she isn't all bad. I just wish she would be a little bit more understanding.
IN the beginning when I first started the medication, I had some good talks to her about what I was going through but I'm not the best conversationalist. I write things better than I say them, hence this blog. Its a way I can get things out with two outcomes; 1. I can read what I am saying and reflect on it and 2. others can see what I go through and make adjustments in their own lives to live a better and healthier life.
SLIGHTLY of the topic, I had a 'family reunion' with my dads side of the family over Christmas. It was an eye opener. I thought my family was messed up, man I pale into comparison compared to the rest of the family and its history. So every family has their little secrets or problems they don't want others to know about.
I had envisaged a life of marital bliss free from stress. We would be happy all together as a family, me and the kids with my new wife and her son...
OF course, the son I never wanted. Sounds harsher than it is but I didn't need him as my son, he has a dad whom gets to see him every second weekend. So why would I need to become his dad? I didn't and still don't. The kid is okay, sure he has a few loose screws but what kids don't these days (what is with their attitude!?!), and we don't exactly have a lot in common but that's not to say I hate him. I just don't need to have him as 'my son' as I have my own. That makes sense right.
I'VE lived with him long enough to know what he is like. My psychologist is slowly convincing me that he is more important than I want to let on. I think I am slowly coming around, but every now and again I need to put the brakes on. His dad isn't exactly candidate for father of the year (but then again who am I to talk), so I don't want to come in all guns blazing trying to rescue the kid and give him the father he deserves. I just go about trying to be a shining light in his life that hopefully he may model himself on one day.
BUT that's where it gets tricky. His mother would love for me to be the perfect father for him. I guess in the same way my kids mother wants her new husband to be the perfect dad for my kids seeing I can't do it. What is it with divorced mums??
IT really puts a strain on things between all of us and can adversely effect the family dynamic. Both of us (wife and I) wanting, expecting, hoping for different things or outcomes. I try to be myself with her son which is the joker, but I would get reprimanded for inappropriate behaviour or making fun of him. But then when he got too much for her I would have to step in and settle a situation down. It really made it hard to find my place in the family unit. Mind you, I didn't exactly see the three of us as a family unit as I didn't want to accept him as my family. At the time I was going through my own living hell so why would I want someone who was no reflection of my or my beliefs representing me as part of my family. Things are slowly changing, but if he wears that stupid wide beaked cap he is definitely off the list!!
ON top of the feeling I have to deal with that my own three kids give me, I have to also juggle the ones my new family give me. A wife who wants perfection in the family that isn't going to get it, the fact that I am expected to just connect to her son and live happily ever after, live under the shadow of the ex-husband and his strange hold on my life, and try to raise a kid who isn't mine so my ways of life aren't necessarily welcome.
ALL in all, it makes for an interesting ride.
AND then there is the money... thats part 3.
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